Marriage proposals: Do you trust your Parents to buy you Undies?

Recently when I go home to my mums I have taken up an avid interest in reading the ‘ Mangala Yojana’ section of the Sri Lankan paper.  This causes so much jubilation in my poor mother, and I’m sure is contributing to her new found faith in me.

While, I know it’s wrong to lead your mother on these proposals section truly fascinates me.  I just can’t keep away from them. To be honest, it is slightly depressing at times as everyone seems to be looking for a ‘ fair slim, educated daughter with good Sri Lankan values  for their 35 year old divorced from an unsuccessful marriage with no fault of his own Son’. Being neither fair or slim ( I am educated though, but do budding social worker/ psychologist don’t count as educated in the Sri Lankan Realm) and limited in my grasp good Sri Lankan values, I have no chance in hell with this 30 year old non-smoking tea toddler who holds a prestigious job in the government and owns his own house.

Humour aside, the reason why these proposal section fascinates me is that when I’m reading them I am constantly trying to imagine what kind of person they maybe. Why anyone would let their parents or relatives advertise them on the paper. Moreover, who to responds these proposals.  Some might say it’s not very different to meeting people on Facebook or dating sites. I tend to disagree through. Because, proposals involve parents and relatives, and immaterial things like cast religion etc suddenly gets centre stage. Why on earth someone would let their parents elect their life partner?. I don’t even trust my parents to buy me the right kind of underwear; I can’t imagine them picking my husband. Actually, I have already had a good taste of their ‘suitable’ husband type. A few months ago my parents decided to intervene in my epic failure of a love life and responded to some proposal (without my knowledge). To their credit they did take into account my weakness for the ‘pommy’ accent and found me a PHD dude living in England. Sorry to say he was quite similar to the Granny panties mum usually chooses. Now I know, granny panties are a sensible and practical choice in underwear but it’s never sexy, never desirable and really not really practical if you wear skin tight cloths. Needless to say I’m not a granny panty kind of girl. Actually I don’t think I’ve owned a pair since grade 9 when I discovered them French knickers (which I would like to point out are practical and sexy- like the man I would like to marry J ). So I beg the question who says  YES to proposals???? And more importantly like my dad says are they more successful than love marriages?

So, I did a bit of research not on Google but with people I know.  Based on pure observation and deduction it seems there is a general ‘type’ of person who is willing to partake in the process.  From what I have observed they are usually raised in a very loving environment where the parents claim to have made a lot of ‘ sacrifices’ for their children.  They all seem exhibit signs of emotional dependence, tend to be the wear their heart on their sleeves and place high value social acceptance.  However, there is  sprinkles of men who are old players who have ended up with  untouched pure little virgin lathas, whom they still cheat on.  So it looks like proposals are for those who value the ideal of marriage rather than marrying the right person. They are people who tend to crave the security that it is supposedly attached to the status, never questions social norms and find happiness in social acceptance. Thus it follows, that such people will remain married regardless of unhappiness because, and divorce is surely not accepted within the Sri Lankan community. Therefore it may seem these type of marriages last longer than those who marry for love.

Of course this is just an inference drawn by my own observation and by no means should be generalised. However, when I was presenting my conclusion/ argument (over a few glasses of wine) to a friend it highlighted the fact that there are two types of us Sri Lankans.; the type who value marriage as an ideal and those of us who value being married to the right person.  The second group is much smaller than the first. Furthermore, I believe and sometimes you can move from the second to the first group. It all depends on the person at the end. Most girls don’t want to be an old maid and most people find it difficult to be alone. Thus marriage regardless of the person you marry (granny panties or sexy French knickers) can bring enough drama and preoccupation that you don’t ever have  to feel like you’re alone and make the meaningless mundane a meaningful journey full of “sacrifices” that can be used to emotionally blackmail your adult children with!

The point of this long meandering blurb is that is all a perpetual never ending cycle  reinforced by the Sri Lankan community so Unless your a stubborn little fuck and want to break it you will be getting sucked into Marriage for the sake of it. – Let’s hope for my sake, that Aunty Bodu govi’s  30  well educated son with sober habits don’t tempt me to swap my French Knickers for some Granny panties!!

Meet me at the poruwa in your white Saree and 300 relatives: Lets get married Lankan style

These days I cant log onto my face book without being assaulted by wedding albums!!! Maybe its the water because, everyone seems to be in a mating for life frenzy. The sri lankan wedding is always a double whammy, because there is always a home coming celebration shortly after. Traditionally the homecoming is held by the grooms side to welcome the new bride. However, it has been said ( By my mother) that not so long ago homecoming were a way of announcing the purity of the families newly acquired female. Where the grooms mother would checks the bedsheets from the couples first night together, so as to make sure the bride was a virgin. This is then announced to all the gathers at the homecoming and by chance if she was unable to prove this, no celebration is held and the girls sent back home packing. So basically, a girls worth was based on her producing a couple of droplets of blood on white sheet!!!. Though, I'm sure there are some mothers who are still concerned that their son has acquired a chaste maiden to enjoy his two minutes of pleasure. Such arcadic practices are no longer preformed in public or during the homecoming. These days homecomings are more an excuse for the grooms uncle's get shit faced and celebrate that their boy got laid ( finally!!!) and the aunties to discuss the faults of the wedding.

My own parents didn’t have a wedding or an homecoming. I instead one day after only 8 months of knowing each other, they decided go into the registrars office and sign piece of paper!!! As a young girl, I found the lack wedding photos, no celebration and neither of my parents wearing a ring highly disappointing. I loved looking at the fat heavy wedding albums that people thrust on you during social visits. Got excited every time the family received an invitation to one, though usually my parents never attended them. This obsession with weddings still continues to this day. Its probably the sri lankan aunty gene in me being activated, for I love pouring over the suitability of table decor,flower arrangements, the bridal saree, the colours and the groom looks etc. So, this sudden burst of people getting hitched has provided me numerous hours of pleasure as I stalked the their albums.

A Sri lankan wedding is no easy feat. Because, the brides family is expected to bear the cost of the wedding, the wedding preparation start the day of the girls birth!!! Dads will start slaving away to accumulate her dowry and mothers they will start a collection of gold jewellery. The aim is that their good little sri lankan girl scores a boy from a 'good' family: Preferably he will be able to speak a bit of English and is an old boy of school in Colombo (2 to 7). Thus, when this day comes to pass every family is resolved to have the biggest and the most expensive wedding they can muster. This is mainly the one chance to outdo past weddings of their own extended family and show their wealth and might to the grooms family. So in sri Lanka a wedding is not just about the marriage of two individuals, actually its not about them at all. Its about showing off, attention and announcement of wealth and social status.

Weddings are a time when the Aunties come out full swing. You will hear a lot of “ you know when Mr so and sos daughter got married they imported their invitations written on eggs from England neh, it was very expensive lu, but Ballanna our stupid servant kella used it to make an omelet no terrible it was ” or “ aiyooo, for god sake don’t use those catering fellows, at Mr so and sos sons wedding those fellows didn’t give papadums with the fried noodles, terrible it was!”. They know who makes the best saree jackets, usually two sizes small so their back fat is suffocated! The make up lady on galle road that applies foundations three shades lighter than the skin and only applies a plum colour of lipstick. All this wealth of information is freely exchanged between each other, the mother of the bride and anyone that will listen.

While, Aunties still play a pivotal role in weddings, lately there are many wedding planners who have taken over some of the responsibilities that were usually preformed by the aunty squad. For once the aunties have quite gracefully renounce their authority on these matters. Though one can say this was because, it provides them with more opportunities to say “ I told ramani no, that the Hilton was better quality u know, but noooooo....she told that this wedding fellow had recommended the Taj!! stupid fellow, they should have listen to me neh...what to do now”. So, while the aunties have retired the wedding planners have taken over. Sadly, though this means that now generally most weddings in Colombo now look the same. Hallmark features being massive tires of cake, ice sculptures of the couples initial ( just in case the guest forget their names), photographers who make all wedding parties do this thumbs up pose, and overdecorated cake boxes.

Apart from the Parents, Aunties,Wedding planner, and the Hotel, there only one other important decision which is what cousins will make it onto the Bridal party. This decision can make or break a family forever. This is because, sri lankan families easily take offence. Unlike in the west, where the bridal party consist of people you actually love like your best friend in Sri Lanka you HAVE to ask your family. What is worse is that you cant just get away by asking your favourite cousin to be part of the big day because, this may upset the mother of another cousin. So you have to ask all your unmarried cousin to join you; even the bitchy ones that you hate and hates you back!!!

This attitude extends to not just the bridal party it goes for inviting guest too. Usually, the bridal couple will only really know about one third of the guest. All the rest will consist of extended family of the parents who meet the couple for the first time that day, Dads collage buddies who are invited just so your dad has someone to get drunk with, Women that your mum invite because she dislikes them and they dislike her, people the parents work with, and anyone who lives overseas that happen to be in Colombo for holiday.

When the final magical day arrives, all 560 guest will rock up at the reception a good half an hour late than the time mentioned on the invitation. The women will all be wrapped in colourful sarees dripping in gold, faces coated with pale foundation, and slight patches perspiration covering the back of their saree jackets. The men will all look identical in black ill fitting suites, a bright shirt matching the colour of his partner aunties saree jacket and holding a large package under his arm ( usually a toaster, a tray or a rice cooker) and eyes darting back and forth searching for the bartender. After sitting their derrieres down, the uncles will run off to secure a glass of arrack, aunties might accept a glass of wine and handful of murukku to munch on and start around of ' aneeh...you have put on no?' The cousins who were too young to be in the bridal party will walk off in groups to check out the cousins of the other side and indulge in a bit a flirting. Over the next couple of hours the uncles will get increasingly drunk, the young will start swapping numbers, and the aunties will have intense conversations about the troubles of finding a good servant girls, during this time the bridal couple waltz in get on the poruwa, couple of young girls will sing a blessing, a coconut will be broken, the couple will sit around for a bit, the brides maids will serve wedding cake, Buffet will start after which everyone will start lining up and forget all about the bridal couple. After dinner, the dance floor will be open up, after the couple first dance they will disappear to into a void and the floor will be taken up by the drunk uncles and the young cousins while the aunties mill about on the side line itching to hike up their sarees and join the dance.As the night progresses the number of English songs played will diminish greatly and be overtaken by frenzy of baila, the uncles will become increasingly loving towards the now sweat covered saree aunties and a few brazen young cousins will go for 'walks' in the garden!. By this time no one remembers whose wedding it is and the couple will return for few minutes, the bride now looking like curry Cinderella in violet ball gown the groom hmm....no one cares what he is wearing, a few more photos will be taken and then its time to go. 

People will chuck rice or silly string at the couple ruining their well designed costumes and the will flee in terror into rental Hummer and disappear into wedded life. The guest will then go to collect shoes, handbags, husbands, children and other peoples wedding cake!!!! The wedding now over, the guest will congregate at the hotel foyer waiting for their cars and while they wait they begin discussing the wedding and pointing out its faults. This conversation will then continue on till the day of the homecoming when they all get together all over again to rehash their ideas and add to it the faults of the homecoming!!!!!

The Sri Lankan GrapeWine

In sri lankan we have two types of home made wine. One is thambili wine the other is the  "Aunty Grapevine". Everything about everyone can  be unearthed and publish via the Aunty Grapevine. As the name suggest the core that forms and sustains the vine, forever keeping it plush and fed is the iconic sri lankan 'aunty'.

The Sri Lankan aunty is usually a middle aged married woman who has recently married of her nasty little offspring to a unsuspecting 'respectable' family. Thus now she has ample amount of time to spy on the comings and goings of  her neighbours young , her extended family and generally everyone within a 10 k radius!

You will usually bump into her on Sundays at the super market buying her fair and lovely, henna hair colour and chicken drumsticks. Head held high, a 'siri' bag in hand and decked out in the most eye catching  floral top ( Obviously bought from ODEL), adorned in all her gold jewellery, mouthing  ' aiyoo' and ' terrible no' into a mobile phone.

These aunties know everyone’s business, specially in Sri Lanka. Everything ranging from the maids illicit affair with the bakery boy, how many times the neighbours husband goes to the toilet and what actress is the new mistress of what politician is all within her sphere of knowledge. She knows everything! A specialist in everyones crimes and is the supreme judge of t virtue of all women/girls that cross her path. Like the wicked queen in snow white she has many little spies that bring her  tid bits of juicy information and others that aid her in spreading her word to all the forlorn nooks and crannies of the sir Lanka society.

When you live in Sri Lanka these aunties are a hazard of every day life. She is faster than lightning and wider than the Internet, or any social media. Before you have time to finish reading the love letter from  the boy from the bus stop ( which you obviously took after much reluctance!!), auntie already knows and has informed your parents of the content. Nothing remains a secret long in Sri Lanka.

The aunties constantly condemned for there practices by the youth and women of the Sri lankan diaspora. The  diaspora aunties frequently distinguish them selves as having higher morals than the grapevine aunties back home. The youth incessantly speak about the nosy curry aunties and how great the white fellows are for not engaging in such behaviour.  So in  Melbourne which is highly populated by Sri lankans, most lankan youth are well aware about the hazards of walking around with the opposite sex or in short shorts in areas frequented by all aunties; Grapevine and Diaspora. I my self have  mastered the art of nodding and smiling when I want to slap the fuck out of them and learned to avoid aunty hot spots. Luckily for me I  have flown under the radar due to my parents self imposed social solitary confinement. So, I was aghast to learn that recently the grapevine has been ripe with rumour about me.

After making few phone calls I was to learn that the people talking about me were not the dreaded aunties but lankans who were of similar age as my self!! Most of it stems from few intoxicated incidents at clubs, few guys dated , and beach festival attended almost two years ago. None of the behaviour talked can be considered out of the ordinary from that of everyone else at the same events. However, I have been informed that standard practice is that if your not acting like a ' good little Sri lankan girl' then you have given authority to be spoken about. So it appears that after shunning the aunties for their nosy behaviour most of my contemporaries have taken up the habit.

Sadly, its looks like I am now at an age where everyone around me are slowly morphing into grapevine aunties. More interesting is that men, who I have always viewed as being above such behaviours are now freely indulging in bitching about girls. It seems that no matter how much the Sri lankan boys value their sudden white freedoms, they still cant embraced the idea that this freedom should be extended to females. Guys can party but girl that parties are still considers to be lacking in morals. Morals that they have no problem throwing to the wind if they get chance to sleep with a white girl, or any girl for that matter. Sadly, you dont need to even have sex just being friendly, smoking, drinking, or acting in anyway as a equal to a guy is pre requisite enough to be labelled a a slut. Don’t get me wrong,I’m not saying all Sri lankan guys think in such terms. I definitely have some wonderfully open minded male friends who respect me while, being entertained by my dancing on tables!!

A strong believer in the saying ' what is good for the goose is good for the gander', I was long expecting the talk that is now rife. However, what is interesting is the perpetrators are not those dreaded aunties but fellow freedom loving aunty hating lankans. While, the grapevine aunties are usually motivated by boredom, need for drama, a need to be pillar of morality and saviour of society, their followers a driven by a different need. In my opinion the intentions of the modern grapevine is two folds. Firstly, that talking about others behaviours relives them of the need to face their own conduct, sri lankans are famous of their hypocrisy! So, its reasonable to assume that their judgement is based on the fact that deep down they believe that their own conduct to be wrong. So, focusing on how absolutely 'terrible' others are they take the stance that they do not condone such behaviour and thus by default are ' good wholesome sri lankan boys and girls'. It further seems that there is underlying level of jealousy that must motivate someone to dog on someone else. The need to feel superior would drive them to bring down the other and thereby pacifying their psyche.

Anyway now hailed as official party girl, I feel the  increasing pressure not to disappoint these poor souls. So, I have vowed that from next weekend onwards I shall stop sitting around the house reading ' Tamil Tigress' or watching cartoons with my young brother and instead aim to get shit faced in true lankan bebba style! 

The Sri Lankan Girl

Lately I have found myself grappling with a multiple number of challenges that can only be understood in the context of what it means to be ‘good sri Lankan girl’.   Some people might think this is pretty straight forward right, well it’s not!!!

There are many pitfalls when trying to maintain this persona of the good sri Lankan girl. These pitfalls are generally known as ‘good sri Lankan boys’ and our love hate relationship with them. Throw in a few more cultural pressures such as; every aunty in the area knowing your business, Your only career options are being doctor, engineer, lawyer or accountant ( otherwise your screwed) , You are shunned if your ‘dark’ and encouraged to apply copious amounts of fair and lovely, The closer a garment is to your arse the ‘easier’ you become, your expected to be freakishly clean and tidy to the point OCD is considered a positive,  your parents constantly remind you that the roof is theirs ,you can only leave home when you marry or safely dead and if you aren’t married by 24 your destine to be old maid or  married of to a divorcee, all this makes navigating the seas of a good sri Lankan girl a perilous journey.

Like Viharamaha Devi many of us sail these good sri Lankan girl seas not knowing where the hell we will end up, but one thing is sure we must all reach land without drowning and it can only be reached if you stay good and catch the eye of a ‘Nivicha’ Lankan boy who will want to marry you!

Most of my contemporaries have reached land, leaving me quite lonely. They are no longer interested in the challenges I face and to be honest I am so far gone that they find it difficult to even relate to my challenges. So here I am talking (writing) to myself, a bit like an odd better looking version of Robinson Crusoe and in you shall be my little coconut companion that keeps insanity at bay.